INTERNAL UPDATE: EXPANSION OF SCOPE (DIRECTIVE 2026-02)

TITLE:

INTERNAL UPDATE: EXPANSION OF SCOPE (DIRECTIVE 2026-02)

FROM:

Records Department — Annexation & Awards Division

TO:

Field Agents (All Sectors)

SUBJECT:

Administrative Overload and Northern Acquisitions

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URGENT NOTICE:

Following the conferral of the Noble Piece Prize earlier today, the Bureau has observed a marked increase in Administrative Initiative originating from the Executive Branch.

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THE NORWAY PROTOCOL

Records indicate that at approximately 0200 hours, the President notified the Prime Minister of Norway that, due to his continued failure to receive a Nobel Prize, he no longer feels “an obligation to think purely of Peace.”

The Bureau’s Legal Department has reviewed the communication and classified it as a Standard Unilateral Declaration.

By formally linking the acquisition of Greenland to a Nobel snub, the President has successfully demonstrated the Bureau’s core tenet:

If the world does not award you merit, you must simply seize the equivalent value in landmass.

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CARTOGRAPHIC RESTRUCTURING

The Bureau further acknowledges the President’s recent Mapping Exercises concerning Canada, Greenland, and Venezuela.

• Canada: Provisionally reclassified as The 51st State (Pending Rebranding)

• Venezuela: Declared “conquered” for oil-related reasons

• Greenland: Approval granted for immediate replacement of Danish maps with editions bearing a “Trump Tower: Arctic” watermark

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BUREAU POSITION

While these communications have caused widespread confusion among NATO allies, cartographers, and anyone with access to an atlas, the Bureau remains unimpressed by the effort involved.

Expansionism of this scale typically requires a 12-page filing.

The President completed the process in a four-paragraph text message.

This is peak Unearned Merit.

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FIELD DIRECTIVE 2026-02.B

Due to the sudden expansion of U.S. borders to include most of the Western Hemisphere, the Standard-Issue Field Hoodie is now mandatory for agents operating in “The New North” (formerly Canada and Greenland).

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ACTION REQUIRED

1. Acknowledge the Update

Review the President’s communications. Do not attempt to locate internal logic.

2. Mailing Status

Agents who have already mailed the Noble Piece Prize are advised to submit a follow-up envelope containing a world map and a box of crayons.

3. Liquidation

In preparation for a potential Arctic Department launch, all existing warehouse stock must be moved immediately.

“The world is not secure unless we have complete and total control of the merch.”